Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
