So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
