She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
