i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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