our cab driver is having phone sex.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
