if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
only if we run a train.
done.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
