the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
