He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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