you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
