see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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