I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
