Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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