walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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