Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
