every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
