If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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