Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
