Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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