I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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