Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Two words: nipple clamps
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