He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
