I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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