I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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