I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
