I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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