I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
