if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
