she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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