I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
