none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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