she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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