oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I smell stomach acid.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
