The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
