My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
