dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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