tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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