I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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