Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
