Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
