It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
