PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
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I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
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NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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