Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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