I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Send help, water and tortillas.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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