Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize
