the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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