How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
