It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
