I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
