Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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