imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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