i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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