so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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