I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
