how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
