I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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