Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
