All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
