okay pat passed out under dana's car
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
